Sick of having to hide everything. I mean, can't I just be sad for one freakin' day anymore?
It always seems like I have to CONSTANTLY be happy around EVERYONE... which isn't much, considering my mom constantly works anyway, so I'm basically already living alone, but... still. I'm even afraid to act that way around my friends. Don't get me wrong, they're awesome friends and I love 'em to death, but... I just feel like I have to hide things around them, too. They know that I used to be emo, that I used be seriously depressed and self-harm and all that stuff that emos do, but... I guess what I'm getting at here is... is that now that I'm not really emo anymore, that I have to be happy now. In my head, the little voice just says something like, "no, you're not that way anymore. You can't be sad or depressed anymore. Now that you're at least somewhat normal, you have to be happy."
I know, I know, that's not a good way to think. But that's what my head tells me. My head doesn't tend to tell me good, normal... sane... things very often, but, still.... It says that.
It just gets to me that it does that, though. I don't WANT to be happy.
.... well, that came out a little more harsh than it was supposed to, but I was trying to say that I don't want to have to act happy when I'm really not. The fact that I have to do that just makes me even more depressed than I was before.
Then there's the thing with my family... they don't tend to help anything, either. I can't be happy, sad, depressed, so-so... i can't really be ANYTHING around them. They don't get me. They don't accept me for what I am or something. I don't know what goes through their heads, and honestly, I don't want to, cause its probably a lot worse than what I'm pretty sure goes through it in the first place.
But, I mean, its like they don't want me to be part or their family. Frankly, I don't really want to be part of it either. Whenever I see them (which, thankfully, isn't much) they always ignore me. Well, my cousin doesn't, but she's the type of person who you WANT to leave you alone. But, when she doesn't ignore me, she's always talking trash about me. To my face. She's said things to me that don't seem like much, but when your own family doesn't like you, they hurt. She's told me I'm boring, that I'm a jerk, that I'm a bitch (where that came from, I don't know), that she knows that I know that my own family hates me... all that stuff.
And then, the holidays... oh, the wonders I see on those days... sometimes.
I rarely get anything as gifts from them, but when i do, its really nothing great. I know that makes me sound like a whiny spoiled brat, but I'm not. What I mean by "nothing great" is stuff that they WANT me to be. Like, bright pink frilly shirts and tights and makeup and... crap like that. Maybe I'd appreciate the makeup if they'd gotten me some dark black eyeliner, but, no... that's a deadly sin to them... basically anything dark, black, whatever is. Which is exactly why wear the darkest clothes I have whenever I see them. But now I tend to wear my Green Day shirt a lot when I go over there... oh, that too. They hate the kind of music I listen to. Honestly, I don't know why, because Green day and 80's rock are AMAZING... but they do. The music I listen to is real... its not any of that new pop shit that's all about love and drugs and sex and whatever else. Like the stuff my cousin listens to. Like the stuff most of them listen to. My uncle and my other cousin listen to good stuff; you know, Ramones, Aerosmith, AC/DC, GOOD stuff.... but the rest of them... nope.
Personally, I think most of their problem with the music I like is the excessive cussing.
Pfft, and they seriously wonder WHY I like that stuff? *rolls eyes* Hypocrites. Telling us that cussing is bad when they blow up the freakin' house with their constant f-bombs.
So, thanks to them, i do that too. Obviously not around THEM... but, trust me, my friends and I cuss pretty bad.
Also, a lot of times, they make me feel like I'm worthless. The way they look at me, talk to me (if they even do that)... well, that applies to everyone, not just my family. I just feel like I'm nothing to this planet, like the world would be better off if I wasn't on it. Hell, it probably would be.
But, as a conclusion to this extremely long post... I really am sick of everything. I just want to feel like I DO belong here, even though I probably don't.
.... but, lastly, I'm really sorry for any of you that actually read all that... I know you probably didn't want to hear a bunch of crap about my life, but... sometimes... people have to vent.. right?
But, I really am sorry for all that.... but, as usual...
Peace out.
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